Are you struggling to attract a high value person? I’m talking about a genuine person with strong character, good values, and a strong moral compass? If you are, then it’s generally for one of two reasons. Are you unable to attract and keep a partner who is genuine, authentic, and caring? If you seem to find yourself dating jerks, or completely selfish people, then you may fit into one of two categories I describe below. Also, if you’re struggling to keep what you consider a “good catch,” it may be for these reasons as well.
We all want the kind of person who will support us, love us, and be kind to us. The kind of person that no matter what has your back and always takes your feelings into consideration. The person who treats us with gentle kindness and consideration and truly loves who we are.
Sounds pretty great, right?
It took me a long time to find this. It took me 36 years, with multiple failed relationships, and a divorce under my belt, but I finally found it. I not only found it but was finally able to attract this type of person, and more importantly, keep this kind of person in my life. There are two reasons that contribute to this. I’ve found myself in one or both scenarios at different times in my life.
Most of us find people who either have no depth, or who aren’t so great at showing it. Maybe they have depth, but they’re unwilling to be vulnerable and show you. Maybe you’ve been hurt too many times, or you want a life that looks “perfect” on the outside. First of all, please never give up! Second of all? Perfect on the outside doesn’t exist. Perfection simply doesn’t exist at all in any way shape or form. You’re not fooling anybody. You’re especially not fooling the kind of person that is genuine, authentic, and caring!
If you’re attracting what I consider low value men or women it’s for one of two reasons.
- You’re focused on the wrong stuff. Are you too materialistic?
- You have a low self-esteem. Do you know your worth?
When it boils down to it, it really is one or the other, and it can even be a combination of both.
Listen, it doesn’t matter what you look like, how much money you have, if you’re divorced, gay, straight, boring, fun, blonde, red-head, etc. None of that matters, if you’re focused on the wrong stuff.
Are you focused on the wrong stuff?
Is the first thing you think about when introducing your new romantic interest to your friends any of the below?
I wonder if they will think she’s hot…
Wait until they see his fancy car…
I wonder if they will notice how rich he is..
I wonder if they will be jealous of me
Basically, you’re focused on the outside appearance, and not focused on showing your friends how amazing the person is on the inside.
I have to look amazing so everyone is jealous! Take that!
Check me out. I’m so awesome…
This is when you literally word vomit your list of all the reasons people should think you’re awesome… with some sort of “I’m so awesome, look at me checklist.” HINT: Nobody cares, not really anyway. Unless their kissing your ass, but that’s NOT genuine. If you need that, then you know where you fit into the two I’m describing.
Listen, I’m not saying that you can’t be excited about the materialistic stuff! I’m really not. I’m saying that shouldn’t be the FOCUS. That stuff is just extra. That STUFF is just the cherry on top.
The genuine, authentic, caring person you want to be with, does NOT care how awesome you tell him you are, or how you showcase it with fancy crap.
Here is what they DO care about:
How do you treat others? How do you relate to others in a positive way?
Do you demonstrate empathy for others?
Are you openminded?
Are you a generally positive person who doesn’t feel the need to complain all of the time? (happy people won’t tolerate constant negativity)
Are you generally a happy person?
Are you interesting and have other things to talk about besides yourself?
A genuine person can tell if YOU are genuine by how much you listen to them. Do you constantly talk about yourself the entire time? Do you even ask another person how their day is going? Do you take it one step further and even care how their day is going?
Do you only care about looking perfect, having the perfect body, fancy car, fancy house, blah, blah, blah. You get the idea.
If you aren’t a genuine, caring and authentic person, you won’t attract another person who is.
That’s just the truth.
The good news? You can be IF you really want to be. You can start now. Here’s what you need to do.
Stop being immature and acting on impulse.
Read about emotional intelligence so that you can learn to be an emotionally mature and evolved individual. Stop acting like you’re the only person in the world that has unique experiences and everything is harder for you. No it’s not.
Your problems may be unique to you, but your emotions are NOT.
All humans experience the same emotions. There isn’t some new emotion out there that hasn’t been discovered yet! Get over yourself. Face your issues. Own your shit and grow up. Forgive yourself and forgive others. Have some patience and stop telling other people they just don’t understand.
When someone says to me, “Niki, you just don’t understand,” it’s all I can do to not roll my eyes so big that they pop out of my head! When you’re saying this, here is what you’re really saying.
“I don’t want to recognize things about myself that are negative. I don’t want to recognize these things because if I do, then I have to do something about it.”
“I don’t want to do the work because it’s too hard. I just want to be the victim and wallow in my self-pity. I’m special and the rules don’t apply to me.”
Listen, you either want change or you don’t. You either want to be the best version of you and do the work, or you don’t. Things won’t magically get better. You either do the work and get better, or you don’t do the work and you stay the same. Nobody will do it for you.
Okay, so if you’re like most people, you probably just have a low self-esteem and you’re not a jerk.
I just have to address the victim mentality. I’m so over it and if you don’t want to take responsibility for your actions and your LIFE, then this blog is not the place for you. Move along and go read a blog titled “How to Trick Someone Into Loving You…(even if it will only last a few months).”
I’m not interested in short-cuts or cheaters. Do the work. Face the music. Once you do?
The music is the most beautiful thing you will ever hear. 🙂
Do you have a low self-esteem?
If you’re like a lot of people searching for love, then you may just need to work on knowing your value.
You may need to work on presenting yourself in the best light. You must learn to show up as your BEST self and be proud of who you are. Whatever that looks like for you.
Do you know who determines your value?
The only person who determines your value is yourself.
You teach people how to treat you. If you accept less than what is fair, then that’s what you will get. It’s a simple statement, but really if you think about it, it’s a very powerful statement.
You have the ability to drastically change things in your life. If you really want to and are willing to do the work to get there.
A lot of people don’t know their value. A lot of people sit around and take crumbs. People come in and out of their life. They don’t demand anything so they don’t get anything.
They just keep dating new people hoping that things will eventually change.
If you do not take action, nothing will change.
How do you determine your value?
You have to be self-aware and know your strengths! You too must learn about emotional intelligence.
Emotional Intelligence is the gateway to long lasting love and overall happiness. Without it, it’s rare if not impossible to find peace in your life alone, and then peace and love with another human.
Listen, we all have strengths, that’s the good news. For as many weaknesses as you have, you have that many strengths. In fact, I learned from a brilliant professor in college that the best way to find your strengths is to look at your weaknesses. (Click here to learn more about how to do that).
If you don’t know your strengths, then you don’t know your value.
If you don’t know your value, then you will struggle to find someone special to spend your life with.
Strengths = Value
Weaknesses = Growth Potential and Self-Awareness.
Embrace your strengths but identify areas you are weak and work on those. If you ignore them and think they will go away, then you will live the same life you were before.
You certainly cannot have fulfilling relationships if you don’t know your value. Each individual provides value to a relationship. If you can’t demonstrate your value then you won’t bring anything to the table.
Please know that you have value. Everyone has value. The real problem is that a lot of people don’t demonstrate it because they’re afraid. Are you afraid to be alone?
I am telling you right now that you do have value. If you are a human being, then you have value.
Celebrate your strengths. Don’t be afraid to stick up for yourself. Practice being alone. Be humble. Be proud.
Listen, if you find yourself in either or both of the two scenarios I give above, I want you to do the following:
Stop with the head trash. (This is the crap you say to yourself that prevents you from achieving your goals)
Know that you CAN be better IF you really want it and are willing to do the work.
Start working to achieve the results you want.
Don’t Give Up.
Persevere when it gets even harder. HINT: It will get harder before it gets better.
Focus your energy on what really matters.
Don’t be a victim. Love yourself and love others for who they are on the INSIDE. Don’t be materialistic, and if you suffer from low self-esteem you must now be your biggest supporter.
Click here to learn how to stop the negative self-talk (head trash) and learn how to be kinder to yourself.
Peace, Love and Kindness.
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Need a little help to get started? Read Heal Yourself Through Journaling and learn how journaling is the BEST way to work through your issues.
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