After my husband and I did a podcast episode a couple of weeks ago, we continue to discuss relationships even more. We genuinely like to talk about what makes a relationship work, what ruins relationships, and about the best way to find someone to spend your life with.
We both were at a difficult point in our lives. Alone after a difficult divorce, we found ourselves experiencing a lot of the same emotions and facing the same challenges. We still talk about it often and we’re so thankful to not be in that place anymore!
We both did a lot of work to get to where we are today…
We’re both so unbelievably grateful to be in a loving and fulfilling relationship with a person we adore.
We were chatting the other day about how people tend to approach dating. We discussed how quite often people approach it completely backwards!
What is this backwards approach that doesn’t work? Well, we often hear people say the same thing when they’re looking for love.
Often, people will say…
I will get myself together when I meet the right person.
I will work on that about myself when I meet someone whose worth it.
This drives me nuts because it’s completely backwards.
If you want to meet someone you need to get yourself together now. Whatever that looks like for you.
You need to become the person right now, that you think will attract the kind of person you want.
The best, and only way frankly to meet someone, is to work on being the best version of yourself right now. Then you will attract the person you want!
This works for two reasons.
- You won’t attract someone else who is the best version of him or herself until you’ve done the work yourself.
- You won’t feel good enough about yourself until you’re in a better place, and therefore, won’t have the confidence to attract the kind of person you want.
People who have it together are attracted to other people who have it together.
That’s how it works.
What does “having it all together” look like?
It looks like whatever you think it looks like. There’s no right or wrong answer. It’s your personal preference. It’s about choosing the life style that makes you feel good inside, and living that life. It’s also about your mindset. It’s really all about how you feel when you’re single.
If you feel good about who you are, and where you are in your life, then you will attract others who feel the same way.
If you feel like you still have some work to do on yourself, then you will attract others who still have some work to do on themselves as well.
You will both put all of your time into the other person, when all along you should have been putting that time into yourself.
Then what happens? It doesn’t work out because you both still have too much work to still do on yourselves.
You end up in a relationship that isn’t fulfilling and may even have constant drama and conflict.
You can’t put your emphasis on another person. You need to put the emphasis on yourself first.
It’s really that simple.
If you feel like you’re attracting the wrong kind of people, or you continue to find yourself heartbroken, then you need to shift the focus back onto you.
What can you do for yourself that will improve your life? Do that first. What can you do so that you feel better about who you are? Do that now.
If you find yourself in dead-end relationships that never seem to go anywhere, that’s because you’re focused on the wrong person. Stop focusing on who you’re dating.
Focus on yourself.
You have some work to do on yourself. That’s okay!
Again, if you find yourself in fast relationships, that end with drama and conflict, then you need to focus on yourself. Stop dating for a while and take some time to get yourself together.
When you do the work on yourself, people will begin to appear in your life that actually have potential.
You won’t have to search as hard, because you will begin to attract others to you. Once you have your act together you will attract others who do as well.
Again, that’s just the way it works.
If you disagree with me, I’m sorry, but you’re wrong.
Nobody can make you happy except yourself. Nobody can fill a void in your life. Only you can fill any void that you have.
If you’re unhappy alone and think finding someone special will make you happy, you’re wrong. You’re going at it completely backwards.
Make yourself happy first, and then find someone else who is also happy. That’s how it works. There’s no short cuts to finding true love with your forever person.
Think of it this way…remember the movie “Field of Dreams?”
I’m probably dating myself here…but if you haven’t seen it, check it out so you know what I’m talking about.
The saying in the movie is….
If you build it, they will come.
Relationships are just like that.
If you build yourself up first, they will come.
(Here’s a little clip below if you feel like watching… Yep, it’s about baseball.)
When you find yourself getting fixated on another person to make you happy, remember this clip.
Listen to your inner voice telling you to work on yourself first. Don’t distract yourself from what you really need to focus on, by fixating on the next person you happen to date.
Work on yourself first. Shift the focus back to you, if you continue to find yourself in dead-end relationships.
Work on you, and someone special will come into your life. Someone special will show up when you’re actually ready.
That’s why they say it happens when you least expect it. You least expect it, because you no longer need it. You least expect it because you’re no longer unhappy being alone. You’re content with where you are in your life, and it isn’t solely dependent upon who you happen to be dating at the time.
Stop waiting around for someone to come into your life to make you happy.
Be happy now.
Not sure how to make yourself happy. Figure that out now.
Love is not for the lazy! Don’t be lazy. Get to work!
Don’t you want to be sure you’re ready when that person appears? Don’t ruin it by not being ready! There are quality people everywhere. Don’t miss anymore opportunities to attract a quality person. Get your act together now. Whatever that looks like for you personally.
If you need some help with that. I’m here and happy to help.
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