Do you have a wish list of traits you want in a partner? Kind, generous, physically fit, financially stable, emotionally mature…you know… the usual?
That’s great! Now, do YOU possess those same qualities? Hmmmmmmm…..
Do you want a kind hearted person, but you’re still carrying around a lot of bitterness from failed relationships?
Do you want someone in reasonably good shape, but you’re carrying around a lot of extra weight?
Do you want someone financially responsible but you’re drowning in credit card debt?
Do you want someone to rely on for emotional support but you’re a hot mess yourself right now?
You’ve got to be realistic. I always ask people who are struggling to find their one and only…
What is important to you in a partner? Okay, write it down and now flip it and make sure that you’re able to provide the same qualities.
If you’re not, then you need to start figuring out what you need to do, so that you are!
Someone who is kind, won’t put up with the negative attitude of someone who is bitter and blaming the world, their parents, or “men” for all their failed relationships. (read more about how to Learn to Love Men Again here)
Someone who is physically fit will most likely be with someone else who is. Hopefully not because they are shallow, but generally people in shape are interested in doing the same activities that keep them in shape. They have common interests and take pride in their health.
Also, if you’re spending more than you’re saving, then chances are a financially responsible person is going to cringe at the thought of credit card debt. Someone who has worked hard to stay out of debt and have good credit wants to keep it that way, and will not be thrilled if potentially they have to take that on!
So… you’re not in the best place “mentally” right now? That’s okay it happens to everyone. Just makes sure you identify what the issue is, and work on it so you don’t live in that “negative” mental space forever. Maybe you just got dumped so you need some time to get your self-esteem back in check. Maybe you have some deep seeded issues that you should get some therapy for? That’s okay too.
I’ve had therapy at various points in my life when I was struggling with an issue. Just be sure you address it, forgive yourself (very important), deal with it (most important!), and then grow as a person. Or else you will always have issues, and you will never grow as a person. Self-awareness is key and emotional maturity isn’t possible without it.
Should you feel bad about yourself for not having it all together if this is what “all together” means for you?
Just keep in mind however, that it’s really unreasonable to ask something of someone, if you are unable to provide it yourself.
When I was back on the dating field, I did this myself, and I realized…
Uh oh. I have some crap I need to get sorted out. That’s okay. We are all a work in progress.
Just set a goal, forgive yourself, and take it one quality at a time. If you think you’re going to tackle everything at once, you might as well give up now.
Focus on one area first and once you feel like you have that under control a bit, then take on the next one!
I compare it to people who want to get in shape. You hear someone say they are going to work out everyday and never eat tacos again!
No you won’t (work out everyday) and yes you will (eat tacos…because they are awesome). Okay maybe you will hold firm because you have some super hero mental power, but generally speaking most don’t last going full force like that. Also, why should you give up tacos forever? That is just shameful.
Just tell yourself that you will do one thing differently that goes toward your goal. Maybe you will limit yourself to tacos on the weekend only. Maybe you will go to the gym or workout two times per week at first.
Give yourself some wins by setting expectations that are actually achievable and realistic. Don’t set yourself up for failure. Set yourself up for some small wins, and then you can gradually work yourself up to bigger wins. Research shows giving yourself smaller achievable wins actually gets you closer to your end goal. It’s also really great for your self-esteem and is a greater indicator of long term success.
Just take it one day at a time. Also, really important… if you don’t do it one week that’s okay. You will next week. Don’t throw away everything you did because you slacked one time. Forgive yourself. You’ve got this!
Nobody is perfect.
Work on yourself, but give yourself a break. Also, give other people a break too while you are at it.
We are all so hard on ourselves and on each other.
Stay kind and make it a great day!
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