When I first started dating again after my divorce, I was a mess. I thought that I had to look perfect, so I put all of my effort into my looks. Yes, I felt great about how I looked, but I realized that I was attracting the wrong kind of men. I wanted to attract a man who I could have a deep connection with. I learned pretty quickly that dating men who were fixated on my looks, was not getting me closer to finding the connection that I longed for.
Men who only cared about how I looked, were superficial and not really interested in what was going on in my head and in my heart. They were looking for trophy wives and not for a life partner. I was looking for a partnership for one of the most important endeavors there is.
Our culture puts so much emphasis on looks it’s ridiculous. Yes, it’s important to feel attractive and to be confident. Yes, it’s important to take pride in how you present yourself to the world. I believe that there are other characteristics that are more important, and that actually make you more attractive overall. When I set out to meet someone special after my divorce, it took a while for me to figure this out.
It’s funny, I remember going out with some pretty attractive guys that did nothing for me. Have you ever met a guy and thought “wow this guy’s hot!” Then they open their mouth, and the more they talk, the more unattractive they become? Maybe they are ugly on the inside, or they don’t have their priorities straight. Whatever the reason, they manage to become more unattractive as you talk to them. You can’t get away fast enough!
That happened to me on more than one occasion. In fact, I remember when I was set-up with some very physically fit men. A few of them only talked about working out. They would ask me what my workout routine was, and how often I worked out, and what I ate. Blah, blah, blah…. snore.
I remember thinking before one of my dates, “If one more guy talks about cross fit or going to the gym, and how important it is to him, I’m going to get up and walk out.” Sorry, I’m not saying cross fit or working out is bad, but can we talk about something else too please? Can we not immediately start the date comparing work-out regimens? I’m not saying you shouldn’t talk about working out if you enjoy it. That’s not what I’m saying at all. The problem is that I knew immediately when I first met a guy, if his main goal was to determine if I was going to gain weight or not. The very first topic, was working out and eating habits. It was getting to the point, that I could immediately tell as soon as I sat down, if I was going to get the “work-out interrogation.”
Do you want to know how often I go to the bathroom and shower? What about that routine? How about how often I get my car washed or get my tires rotated? Is car maintenance or lack of a deal breaker for you? If I shower every other day, is that enough? Um, no. Anyway, I digress and please excuse the rant…Yes, I agree it’s important to have commonalities in your lifestyle, but how about we get to know each other first. Are we at the gym or on a date? Let’s pretend we have some depth, and have other goals besides looking hot. What you do say?
How do you come across as desirable on a first date? What should you be looking for on a first date?
In previous blog posts, I get pretty detailed regarding the types of qualities you should be looking for in a partner. While that’s helpful information when you’re deciding whether or not you should emotionally invest in a partner, there are some basic characteristics that are important to look for on that very first date. Or even perhaps on the first few dates with someone new.
What are the basic traits you should look for on a first date?
When I was doing research and dating a lot, I came up with a list of characteristics that were important to me based on what I found attractive in a man. Then I tried to figure out how that translated into being a more attractive female overall. I thought to myself, “How can I present myself so that I come across as more attractive overall?”
Once I thought I figured that out, I started to implement it into my dating routine. It’s really the same for men and women, but of course I like to put my feminine spin on it.
If you want to stand out, and be more attractive when dating someone, then below are my suggestions on important characteristics to display. These traits are what I looked for on a first date, before I determined if there was second date potential. Yes, it’s pretty light and basic. That’s really how a first date should be. Light and Basic. If they didn’t at least have these traits going for them on the first date, then I was typically not that excited to go out again.
So here goes…