In previous blog posts I talk about how important it is to date at least three men at a time. Okay, so you have at least three guys on your roster now. What should you do when there is one that you really like a lot? Basically, he is your front runner and you don’t want to “f” it up!
There is this period of time in-between dating and being exclusive that can be difficult to maneuver. It’s difficult because at some point (if the relationship is going well), you start to become emotionally invested but not yet exclusive. How you handle yourself at this point is mission critical! This is when most relationships break down…or that exciting whirlwind you’ve been on, comes to a crashing halt.
You know how it goes…you meet a guy you’re excited about, you start dating, hanging out a lot, you’re constantly in contact with each other, and then BAM. Silence…. (Cue Chirping Crickets)
Maybe it lasts a few days…maybe it lasts a week. Either way, it sucks.
If you’re dating only one person at a time, it’s the worst. If you’re dating more than one person (you should be) then it kind of sucks, but it softens the blow. Remember, you should be dating at least two other people and busy living your life. Don’t sit around and obsess about why one guy didn’t call. (or try really hard not to. Wink, wink). Keep yourself busy, distracted, and find activities to do that make you happy. Maybe you meet someone else to add to your roster while you are out and about? Are you getting the message? I think you are. 🙂
(Not sure you should have three guys on your dating roster? Read this)
What should you do when your #1 guy goes MIA?
He could be on hiatus for a variety of reasons. Most likely it’s one of the below three.
- He’s not feeling it anymore
- He really likes you and needs some space to process his feelings
- He’s dead
Okay, he’s probably not dead. Most likely he isn’t feeling it anymore, or he just needs a little space. It’s actually not a bad sign necessarily when a guy pulls back a bit. It can actually be a very good sign. How you react; however, can make or break the potential for a relationship.
What’s a girl to do?
That’s easy. Nothing. Seriously, if he likes you, he will turn up. Either way, you have to play it cool. You don’t play games, but you play it cool.
Your life will go on if you don’t hear from him ever again. You will not die.
How you respond when he comes back however, is critical. If a guy needs space, it’s in your best interest to give him all the space he needs. Give him so much space that he starts to wonder why you are okay with giving him so much space! Let him worry about why you aren’t that worried. If he likes you, it works. I promise.
So, it’s been a few days and he’s still MIA. All of a sudden you hear “ding!” You look down at your phone and see a message from him! Its goes something like…
“Hey! Sorry I’ve been really busy (blah, blah, whatever). How are you?”
Your heart falls into your stomach and you do a little happy dance in your head. (Cue butterflies) You fluctuate between super happy and annoyed, and then you immediately get annoyed and think. Finally! Where the hell have you been?
Do not say this! LOL
Your response should be light and care free. Your response should be short and sweet. Your response should be something like…
“Hi there! Great to hear from you. 🙂 “
Don’t give him the third degree. Don’t ask him where he’s been and why he hasn’t contacted you. If you’ve only been dating for a few weeks or a couple of months, it’s really none of your business what he’s been up to. You aren’t married and you don’t have kids together. He doesn’t need to account for his time when he is not with you.
Also, you are not exclusive yet. Therefore, you don’t have to account for your time either. This works both ways.
You want to be sure that when he does initiate contact with you again, that he comes back to a happy woman! This must be genuine. You are happy and living a fulfilling life. Whether or not you hear from him does not dictate your overall happiness. It of course makes you happy to hear from him, however.
Let’s just cut out the drama. We’re adults here! If he comes back to a happy smile, he will think “wow, this girl is awesome. She lets me have some space, and doesn’t punish me when I return. She has a life and it doesn’t revolve around me!” You immediately remove a ton of pressure off of him. That feels good to him. Now he knows that he isn’t responsible for your happiness. You are fun to be with. You are not going to drain him and put unnecessary demands on him.
(Make sure by the way, that this is also the type of response you get if you’re busy for a few days and don’t have time to check in). People get busy. It happens.
A small part of him will also wonder why you don’t care so much…or why you aren’t asking him where he’s been. Let’s face it, most women ask the question “Why didn’t I hear from you at all? Where have you been?” Or the passive aggressive comment, “Wow, what happened to you? I thought you were dead!” This immediately puts him on the defense. He now feels like he has to be accountable for his whereabouts like you are his wife or something. Not all women ask, but most can’t help themselves.
You will stand out, if you don’t ask.
(Guys do this too by the way, it’s not just the ladies)
Why shouldn’t you ask him why he hasn’t reached out? You shouldn’t because you don’t really care that much. Again, you have a happy and fun life. You are busy living it. You are not pining away after him. You are a woman with options and he is just one of them.
Also, don’t play games and read his text but then wait an hour or two to respond. That’s dumb. Now people can see if and when you read their text. They know when you open it, so if you wait a while to respond, he will feel the drama. He also will think you play games, and that you are passive aggressive. Again, drama. If you do this, you are playing games. So, stop it!
You are glad to hear from him. Excited to hear from him even, but you are not his wife and it’s not really your concern. You have a life. You have been living it. You have not been sitting around obsessing over him. If you have, then stop it!
(This is completely different by the way, if you are married. It’s not okay to disappear obviously for days. That would be crazy. Also, if it’s been a couple of weeks you may want to rethink whether or not this guy should be on your roster at all. Maybe he needs to sit the bench for a while)
If you don’t ever hear back from him again? He wasn’t feeling it. Move on. Don’t try and force it. Do not reach out! He may continue to chat with you a bit, but if you are initiating the conversation, eventually the texting will fizzle out. I promise. You are not desperate. You have other men pursuing you that are on your roster. Remember that. Stick to that.
If you do hear back from him after a few days or a week even, then he is thinking about you!
That’s good news. 🙂
In fact, he is most likely starting to have feelings for you. I’m not saying he wants to run away and get married. Slow down…but bottom line, he is thinking about you, which means he is entertaining the idea of a romantic relationship with you. Remember however, it’s just an idea. You are not in a relationship. The last thing you want to do is get snarky with him, when he is excited and ready to start pursuing you!
I remember when my husband and I first started exchanging texts and messages via Facebook messenger. I kept it short and sweet. I was excited to hear from him, but I didn’t try and prolong the texting session for endless hours. In fact, I often ended it myself! Again, not playing games. However, if he wanted to spend time with me, then he had to actually plan to see me in person. I wasn’t interested in a pen pal or a digital relationship.
Text messages are for saying quick hellos, good nights, and for figuring out logistics for meeting up. They are NOT for getting to know each other. If a guy wants your time, he has to schedule a date with you. Of course, you can chat on the phone, but the goal is to lure them to spend time with you in person. If you’re too available via text it’s not good. That is another type of relationship that never seems to go anywhere.
Don’t be too available via text. Always end your quick texting session with.
“I’ve got to get going. I really enjoyed our chat! 🙂 “
“I’ve got to get to bed. You make me laugh! 🙂 “
Make it short, but flirty. Make if fun and light. Make sure you put a feeling word in there somewhere. That way he has a little clue that you aren’t just blowing him off, but you actually need to get going! You like him, and you enjoy chatting with him, but you have a life.
You could also text…
“I’ve got to get to bed, busy day tomorrow! Felt great chatting with you 🙂 “
The goal is to lure him. Make sure he knows you aren’t blowing him off, but set your boundaries. If he wants your time, he has to plan. He has to ask you out, or he is not going to get the full experience of you!
I know it sounds like game playing, but it’s really not! Relationships in this digital dating world are tricky. It’s way too easy to get stuck in a texting relationship that goes nowhere. (This goes for email also) Texting only relationships are not real relationships. You cannot really get to know someone by texting.
You also don’t want to end your text with a question. Don’t say…
Talk soon? Or, see you soon? That’s pursuing him and looks needy. That’s driving the relationship. He needs to pursue you and drive the relationship forward. You should Never Chase a Man. Men pursue, women shouldn’t.
Remember the day and age when we had no cell phones, and you left a message at their house on their answering machine? There wasn’t the ability to immediately connect and be available constantly. I think that’s a good thing! Maybe that’s a little bit old school, but I guess I’m a little bit old school.
Remember, you deserve to be pursued! You deserve to be adored and you owe it to yourself to have your own life. Don’t depend on a man (or anyone for that matter) to provide a social life for you.
You have one life. Get out there and live it. Why don’t you go MIA once in a while? What’s wrong with a little mystery?
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