Do you constantly put yourself down? Are you always mentally beating yourself up? Is this effecting your happiness? Are you generally grumpy or stressed out? Don’t be such a jerk to yourself!
To be “Happy” every day, or most days, takes work for the majority of people. It’s not automatic or natural.
Most people don’t wake up happy every day. I’m one of those people who is naturally critical and over analytical. I literally used to drive myself crazy, and still do sometimes!
While these traits have always helped me to do well at my job, it has caused suffering in my personal relationships. I used to wake up every day thinking about what I did wrong yesterday, or the day before, or how stupid I was when I did “fill in the blank.”
I was often talking negatively to myself and putting myself down. I spent a lot of time in my own head entertaining the negative self-talk.
A lot of people do this.
One day my mom, who is the smartest and kindest woman I know (Hi Mom!), said to me.
Niki, if you had a friend who talked to you the way you’re talking to yourself, you would tell that friend to “F” off.
She doesn’t mince words, my mother.
How do you stop the negative self-talk?
Below is my own personal process that I do pretty much every day. If I want to have a good day anyway. Also, when I find myself in a rut, it’s because I’ve gotten out of this routine for a few days and I need to make a point to get my head back into a good place. It may seem super simple to some people, but it was a real challenge for me. I know there are others like me.
Before I tell you my process that I use when I find myself feeling a bit down, there’s one very important thing you must realize and remember.
You must accept yourself for who you are.
In order to accept yourself, you must embrace and realize something very important.
You are unique. There is no one else like you and so you MUST live your life authentically. Embrace your authenticity. Love who you are, flaws and all.
You have to know who you are…the good and the bad. Once you know who you are, and you accept yourself, that’s when you can really tackle the negative self-talk.
Remember, we’re all imperfect beings looking to be accepted. This begins with YOU. You must accept who you are and have self-love. I cannot stress this enough!
How do you do stop being such a jerk to yourself and get in a better state of mind?
Don’t be afraid to be yourself. Love yourself and just be you! Be the best version of yourself and show that to the world. Don’t try and be like someone you think you should be. A lot of people put so much emphasis on outside appearance when the emphasis should be on the inside. It’s way easier to work on your outsides than on your insides, especially if you have money. Be a person who does both! Don’t be a robot or whatever society tells us we should be. Know yourself. Be authentic.
Know your strengths so you know your value and know your weaknesses so you can grow. Also, know your weaknesses so that you can laugh at yourself. Don’t take yourself so seriously. If you take yourself too seriously all the time, then you’re a drag to be around. You will suck the life out of people. Listen, you’re not perfect. Nobody is, so embrace your weaknesses for what they are. Work on them and be able to admit when you’re wrong. Be comfortable in your own skin.
Don’t put all of your emphasis on how you look on the outside. I swear all the women are starting to look like the same person anyway. Be unique and happy on the inside and you will stand out a lot more! Are you a little bit quirky? Great, be super quirky! Own it. Are you a little bit shy? That’s okay. Find ways to get out of your shell and simply just say, “I’m a little bit shy at first until I get to know someone.” Own it.
Are you funny? Then be funny and don’t worry about insulting anyone. Basically, don’t worry about putting someone off. If everyone likes you that you meet, then you may not be bold enough to stand out. Don’t try to make everyone like you. Be yourself and find your people that like you for YOU. Don’t be a people pleaser. Be yourself loud and clear and you will find someone for you faster than if you try to please everyone all the time. Don’t aim to be a generally likeable person. Aim to be YOU and if someone doesn’t like you then that’s not your person. Talk about what you care about. Talk about what you’re passionate about. See if you share the same passions. See if you care about the same things. Be you to the fullest without apologizing or asking permission. Howl loud and proud until you find your wolf pack!
Part of being authentic is also being kind. Be kind towards others authenticity. Accept others as their authentic self just as you want to be accepted. Be open to new people who are different from you and to new possibilities.
Be the best version of yourself. Be YOU. Live your unique truth. Your truth is what makes you unique. It’s what makes you, YOU and not like anybody else. Love yourself and be who you truly are. Not sure who you are? Find yourself. Try new things and make new discoveries. Take on new adventures and don’t say no to anything. Be a yes man.
Okay, now back to the process that I use when I notice myself entertaining the negative self-talk…
Pay attention to what you say to yourself in your head.
Stop the moment you notice you are talking negatively to yourself and change the message. You have to pay attention and notice when you’re talking to yourself negatively. (This is often the most difficult part, believe it or not). Then say to yourself…
“Stop. I’m doing the best I can today. It may not be perfect, but I’m a good person and I’m doing the best that I can today.”
That was my mantra and it worked for me, but find your own that works for you. I did this, and at first, I went right back to talking badly to myself pretty much immediately.
It took a LOT of practice. Years even, but now it’s actually easier and I find myself able to change my thinking a lot quicker than I used to be able to. It’s almost like a switch now and I literally feel a shift in my body from a yucky place, to a content one. It’s actually really refreshing, when you learn how to let yourself off the hook.
Be your biggest supporter. Change the negative self-talk. If you’re a mom, talk to yourself like you should talk to your child. This takes practice and you have to do it every day. Stop putting yourself down. Good news is it gets easier. You literally can retrain your brain to think more positively. It’s True. What you think about you inevitably attract. Our brains are so powerful.
You will notice once you’re able to do this, you will also start talking more kindly to others. It can dramatically affect your relationships in a positive way. (More on that later).
Forgive yourself for not doing everything perfectly. Guess what? You will never be perfect! There you go!
You’re welcome. 🙂
Give yourself a break! Get over yourself. Perfect is boring. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one is perfect so stop putting expectations on yourself that are unachievable. When you put this much pressure on yourself, I guarantee that you’re also putting that pressure on the people you love. Your spouse, your children even. Is that fair to them? No, so stop!
Also, ask yourself, is this really crucial to my overall happiness? For example, if my daughter’s hair is a mess and she doesn’t look “perfect” at this party, will I die?
Will anybody die?
No, no one will die and no one really cares what your daughter’s hair looks like. If they do, then they suck and who cares. Which leads me to my next step.
Surround yourself with authentic, caring people.
You are the company you keep. Hanging around a bunch of materialistic people who only talk about their fancy stuff? You know who those people are. Hanging around a bunch of drunks? Or a bunch of a-holes? Are you getting sucked into that? Is it really important to you what someone drives, or how much they weigh, or where they got their shoes? (Okay, I do care where someone got their shoes, but you know what I mean).
You should surround yourself with people who care about you. People who care about other people besides themselves. Surround yourself with people who are able to think about a situation from another point of view. Are you a little self-absorbed yourself? That’s okay… you can work on that. The first step to working on that is recognizing it, and then surrounding yourself with people who are authentic and caring.
This is such a huge one. Practice caring about people who don’t even deserve it! Stop judging people and acknowledge that they’re not you. They’re different and their lives were formed by a serious of events that you don’t understand. Be open-minded. Don’t push your agenda on another person, and accept people for who they are.
Once I started doing this, it opened my mind up so much and I grew so much as an individual. You must accept that we are all different and that’s okay. You do not have to agree with everyone! Who are you to tell someone what’s right and what’s wrong? Get over yourself. Care about people. Embrace what makes us different, don’t fight it. That’s dumb. We’re a world of diverse people who each have something positive to provide to the world. We’re not a bunch of robots.
I give this advice with the notion that most people are generally good. I really think that those who are the harshest towards others just have a hard time forgiving themselves and so it manifests into taking it out on other people.
If you can’t forgive yourself because of something traumatic that happened to you, or you can’t seem to get over an event or relationship in your life, then get therapy. It’s helpful to talk to someone who is totally unbiased. We all need a little help from time to time. Twice now in my life I’ve gone to therapy for various issues. It helped so much and I finally got my head out of my ass! For real, it’s amazing what happens when you start getting some of that stuff out of your head and tell another person whose job is not to judge you, but to help you.
The trick is, however, you have to really want to change, and more importantly you have to DO THE WORK.
Be authentic. Be bold. Make a decision. Accept yourself. Forgive Yourself. Forgive others. Practice Caring.
You will naturally attract others to you that agree with your thoughts and perceptions. They will validate you and you will be happy. Who cares if you’re right. Who’s really right anyway?
Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?
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