What the hell is going on? I know personally the importance of women’s rights, but I struggle these days with what modern feminism has done to women and relationships.
Before you scream at me please keep reading.
I was a divorced, single mom with a career. My two children and I lived in a home that I bought myself, as I was the primary bread winner for myself and my children. I worked in a pre-dominantly male driven industry. I have fought for everything I have, and I do realize the level of sexism that still exists in the world. I am not denying that. Women should receive equal pay, and have the same rights as men. Period. Let me be clear on that. I am however, completely fascinated with how modern feminism affects relationships and marriage.
I just can’t for the life of me figure out when we as women had to start acting like men?
Or rather why we feel we have to, because truth be told, we don’t. Yes, I realize that sometimes women require different qualities in the work force. More masculine type qualities as some might argue. As a result, these qualities have crossed over into relationships and have made women and men so confused in matters of the heart. We are literally going against what our bodies and minds have evolved into.
It’s no wonder marriage hardly works anymore. It’s also no wonder women struggle to find love into their late thirties, and when it’s more difficult biologically to start a family. I realize for some it’s a choice; however, and 100% fully support and understand that. For some however, it isn’t a choice.
Please do not think I’m saying that women should stay home, do what their husbands say, be barefoot and pregnant, put up with sexist remarks, etc. Anyone who knows me, knows that I don’t put up with that. Also, anyone who knows me, knows that I believe that men and women are both equally invaluable to the world. Both play important roles and both are needed for survival of our species. Both should be treated as equals, however we are not the same.
I actually believe that humans who are able to display both masculine and feminine qualities are more successful in life.
In fact, when I see a man or woman making sexist remarks I think to myself…Evolve already! (yes, women are sexist too). I also want to jump up and down and make monkey sounds but I’m afraid people will think I’m insane, so I don’t.
People say these days that they don’t believe in marriage. I personally think marriage gets a bad rap. It’s not the act of marriage, it’s the way our relationships have transformed over time that go against the grain of our very being. I think we are in a transitional phase of femininity versus masculinity in our history of evolution. For example, more men are deciding to stay at home whilst the women bring home the bacon, so to speak. This is awesome! These are awesome and evolved men. They put up with a lot of crap from other men. I’m not saying men who don’t stay at home are not evolved, however. There are more men now who understand the importance of being a partner. That means, they are okay doing things traditionally considered to be more feminine. They are willing to share the house hold and child care responsibilities if they have a working spouse, and even if they don’t! They understand the quality this provides to the marriage, to their children, and to the overall happiness of their house hold.
Sardinia, Italy and Longevity of Men
In the majority of the world the female to male living ratio is 4 to 1. Meaning that in most of the world, women outlive men 4 to 1. Do you know that in Sardinia, Italy the ratio is 1 to 1? Why is this? Studies suggest that longevity of men in this region is related to the fact that both men and women share the pressures of daily life. Both work, raise the children, and manage the finances. They share equally in the responsibilities of life. Men, you may actually live longer if you share more of the responsibilities. If anything, it’s good for your health! Honestly, as a woman this makes perfect sense to me. When my husband shares in the responsibilities, it takes the pressure off of me. This in turn takes the pressure off of him. I stress less so I’m less likely to take it out on everyone in the house. I’m also a lot more fun when I’m not drowning in responsibilities. Shit gets done quicker and everyone has more time to relax. Its honestly a no brainer. (In this region of Italy they also have a healthy diet and drink red wine, but so do other cultures whose ratio isn’t as favorable). Something to think about.
Back to Marriage…
I also think that marriage doesn’t always work because most people don’t pick the person they should marry. Society has us fixated on materialistic crap that doesn’t matter and so we don’t focus on what’s really important and what provides us with true happiness. (Read Is Your Mind In Constant Chaos for more about this)
The perception of marriage these days, is more of a bad result of how our current culture and feminism has shaped relationships.
Who pays? Who opens the door? These poor guys, and gals, now it’s so difficult to know what to do, so as not to offend.
My personal observation is this. Instead of celebrating feminine qualities, a lot of women are starting to behave more like men. I believe in feminism but I still think we have very far to go.
I think we can do better. I want equal pay and I want my feminine qualities to be celebrated.
I can do anything a man can do, but I don’t have to act like a man to do it.
Women are so hard now. We say, “I can take care of myself thank you, and don’t need a man!” That may be true, but is it wrong to want to be taken care of? Why can’t we take care of ourselves and be grateful for another human being who loves us and wants to make us feel cared for? I think it’s pretty honorable and self-less to want to provide emotionally for another human being. Not necessarily financially, but emotionally available and willing to think about what another person needs, besides yourself.
I wanted that and I now have it. I want to do that for my husband. He is a good man; whose #1 goal is to take care of his family financially and emotionally. I am happy to have someone in my life who is able to think about someone other than himself. You better be damn sure that I show my appreciation for that. As does he.
To me, it’s no longer a political issue, which is what feminism historically is, but now it has transformed into something else.
It makes me so sad when I see really great women who are alone and trying to find love, but they can’t because they are acting like men. They are picking up the tab, opening their own door, and calling men and asking them out. They are pursuing men, because its socially acceptable now, meanwhile they can’t get to date #2. Worse they are sleeping with men too soon, because that is also socially acceptable now, and it’s hurting their potential for a long-term committed relationship.
Please note. I am NOT saying women shouldn’t be able to do any of these things. I’m really not. Women can sleep with whomever they want, but they can’t expect all of a sudden that men will change how they respond. Equality in pay? Yes. Equality in everything else? Hell YES, but a man is not going to change his biologically driven responses to sex and relationships.
Chivalry is hanging on by a thread.
Somewhere along the way, it was considered sexist to open a woman’s door or pay for dinner. WTF?
What the hell is wrong with a man who is a gentleman and who demonstrates kindness for a woman?
Of course, I can open my own damn door! That’s not the point. I can also get myself off thank you, but it’s a whole lot more fun when my guy does it!
Ladies, you are seriously missing out if you don’t let a man do these things for you.
I used to be a pretty hard-core feminist and I had a very bad perception of men. My college boyfriend nicknamed me “Fem Nazi.” Lovely, I know. You can imagine how that relationship ended.
Years later, after more dating experiences and a divorce under my belt, I discovered something. I found that the men who are opening your door for you, and paying for dinner are gentlemen who most likely are NOT making sexually explicit remarks about you behind your back. (Some still do of course)
I’m not saying their angels okay, I’m just saying they’re men. Do you want to be with a man? There are kind and strong men out there who are evolved and understand the importance of sharing in the responsibilities. There are men out there who respect and appreciate femininity. In fact, there are men who are desperate for it. They are struggling to find women who are still feminine. They are struggling to find women who don’t have such a tough exterior shell.
I’ve had better relationships with the men who demonstrate chivalry. These are the men more likely to appreciate women for who they are. They appreciate their feminine qualities and love what women have to offer the world. There are men who look for a feminine woman because they respect and appreciate feminine qualities. They believe there are powerful qualities to being a woman and they respect the shit out of that!
I have never had more men treat me as respectfully as I do now. What do I do differently from when my nick name was Fem Nazi? I demonstrate my feminine qualities with pride and I also expect men to treat me with dignity. A lot of men demonstrate this with chivalry. That’s how they’ve been trained to show us! Now we won’t let them? I give up…it’s no wonder they have to.
Men who are gentlemen and demonstrate chivalry are more likely to be the men who also think that we deserve to be treated equally. They don’t think we are the same, however.
Again, we should be treated as equals, but we are NOT the same. Women and men are totally different and they should act like it!
Men and women both have strengths and both have weaknesses. We are not the same. It’s okay and smart to recognize these weaknesses for what they are. It’s stupid to ignore them and say we are the same. We are not the same. We complement each other and we need each other to survive.
Evolutionary psychology is the study of human nature and how certain psychological adaptations determine ancestral survival. It looks at the reproductive behaviors that indicate reproductive success and the survival of the species.
Blah, blah, blah…here is what I’m not saying…
I’m not saying we should act like our ancestors. I’m saying we will evolve as a species, but when you understand evolutionary psychology, it provides real insight into dating and relationships.
In fact, when studying this you actually learn how feminism is a form of resistance to evolutionary psychology. I’m not saying I don’t believe in feminism, just to be clear!
I’m saying we need to pay attention to how it effects relationships.
I’m saying I want to be a feminist who is actually feminine.
We are equals but we are not the SAME.
We are on our way to equal rights for women, and yes, I agree we have a-ways to go. Not arguing that. But is there some reason I can’t still act like a woman in the process? With all my feminine wiles? I am proud to be a woman and all that encompasses. Women have amazing strengths that should be celebrated, and I feel like we have so far to go with what feminism should truly embrace.
I actually feel like as women our role has been more difficult ever since we entered the work force. Not saying we shouldn’t have of course, but it changed the dynamics. That’s just the facts! If we want to be the high-income earners we feel we have to act like a man, but then when we get home to our families or go on a date, we have to switch gears and put on our “feminine” hat. It’s really hard to do successfully, however totally needed if we want to be in a happy relationship and have a successful career.
Some women however find it extremely difficult to do both, and I think that is directly related to why so many single women have a hard time finding love.
Feminism has made some women so hard on the outside. It’s also made both men and women so damn confused. It’s also made some men kind of wimpy. Have you noticed?
I personally don’t think anyone should be hard on the outside. I think we should respect ourselves and others but be soft on the outside and strong on the inside. Approachable and kind, but firm in our beliefs and able to set boundaries.
The good news is that it’s starting to happen to men! Men are beginning to evolve as a result. The realization that women don’t actually in fact “need” a man to take care of them, has forced men into facing and accepting new challenges that are not instinctual to them. As a result, they are acquiring more feminine qualities. I love it!
It’s pretty awesome to see how our species is evolving. I think that 100’s of years from now, evolutionary psychologists will have a different perspective. The new survival of the species will transform. I believe both sexes will have to encompass more qualities of the opposite sex in order to survive.
That’s my take on it anyway.
So that being said, yes adopt masculine and more aggressive qualities if you need to for business, but please be feminine everywhere else. Why do I feel like I can’t say that? I love being a woman, I embrace it and I think women are amazing. I also happen to think feminine qualities go a lot further in business then they are given credit for. So many women are now the bread winners and high-income earners. That if anything should give you something to think about.
In college, I took a class and we looked at functional MRIs of the human brain in men and women. It was fascinating. When men and women are asked the same question, or given the same task, their brains lit up on the MRI differently.
That means that women and men literally use their brains differently to answer the same exact question. Men use an area on the left side of the brain and women use this area in addition to the area on the right side of the brain.
There are more brain studies on women versus men, but bottom line, is that our brains function differently. I bring this up because it just shows that men and women think differently and as a result, they act differently. We are not the same.
That doesn’t make either of us right!!!
It just brings a different perspective that we owe to each other to explore. The people who are open minded enough to explore it, rather than exploit it or fight it, will end up surviving. Your ancestors will thank you.
That being said, in my next life I want to come back as a man.
I want to be able to pee standing up damn it!
Be soft and feminine on the outside, but be strong and firm in your beliefs on the inside. Good and evolved men will find their way to you, I promise. If that’s what you want. If not, then that’s okay too.
Are you hating on men in general right now? Had enough of them? Read Learn to Love Men Again.
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