If you want to find the man to love forever, you have to first love men! Men and women need each other to survive. It’s just a fact of life. This is for my ladies who are feeling a little pissed at men in general right now.
NO judgement I’ve been there. (Wow have I been there!) When I say you have to first love men… I don’t mean sleep around, although I’m all for women who need to be adventurous and sow their oats so to speak. (No judgement there at all and that’s an entirely different blog post).
Start loving men. Get rid of the negative sexist thoughts floating around out there. Yes, women are sexist too! Get rid of the negative opinions and stereotypes of men. Yes, some are jerks. Once I opened myself up to the possibility that not all men are self serving jerks, and got rid of the chip on my shoulder… I met a lot of really great men. Men who were chivalrous, kind, and attentive started to show up. Then I just had to pick the one that made my heart skip a beat.
Sorry, you’ll still meet jerks, but there’s jerk women out there too, don’t forget. Don’t be one of them. The poor good guys these days can’t win. They’re sexist if they offer to do too much, but jerks if they don’t do enough. There’s a lot of man haters out there…and a lot of really good men looking for kind hearted, intelligent, emotionally mature women without a chip on their shoulder. There are good men out there I promise. (Read Is Feminism a Turn-off?)
Be sure you appreciate what a good man really is. Here’s what I think a good man is…
Generous. Generous with his time, not only for you, but for the important people in his life. His mother, father, siblings, children from a previous marriage. You want a guy whose able to give of himself and who looks to provide for the important people in his life. (whatever that looks like personally for him). You want a giver, not a taker. (Remember, you have to be a giver and not a taker as well).
Emotionally mature and stable. This is such an important one. We all have times in our lives when we’re going through something difficult. Maybe you went through a divorce? Maybe you didn’t have a very stable child hood, or had a selfish parent who didn’t support your emotional needs. Emotional maturity, in my opinion is the most important trait. You want to be with someone who is able to take a good look at themselves, and know what their weaknesses are. (we all have them) Self-awareness is key. Know who you are, and then you can discover what’s important to you in partner. Oh, and be able to laugh at yourself, and say “whoops” I’m sorry when you mess up.
Financially stable. Note I did not say rich, but he is comfortable with where he is in life financially. (whatever that looks like). Maybe he’s starting to build his business or career and cannot focus on a relationship right now? That’s okay. We all have different priorities in life at different times. There’s nothing wrong with putting relationships on hold to build your empire so that you’re able to provide for the family you will have one day. It’s also important to be realistic. Maybe you come from a wealthy family or you’ve built your own empire yourself? Maybe he can’t afford the luxuries in life that you can? This is happening more these days as women are becoming the high income earners. It’s important to remember this when you begin dating a man. I see a lot of women dating men who don’t make as much as their female counterpart. Then it’s so crazy…they get resentful later that their guy can’t provide the luxuries they are accustomed too! So they de-masculinize them which makes the relationship go sour. Basically, it’s not about how much money anyone has, but it’s the balance of the expectations on the things in life that money can provide, and how much emphasis you put on that.
Healthy. Not doing drugs or drinking to drown some issues he doesn’t want to take the time to deal with. This is so common. I see couples who love going out to the bar. Maybe it started in college, or they both party as their “hobby.” Basically, they don’t spend any down time doing something they enjoy that brings them happiness. They seek drinking and partying as their means of escape. Then they get married, have children, can’t party like they used to and realize they really have nothing in common. Or worse yet, they didn’t build any sort of intimacy during the dating phase and they need to start over in a sense to really get to know each other. There are additional health requirements of course that are more particular to each person’s needs. Such as non-smoker, healthy eater, etc. Those are important of course, but can vary per individual.
There’s other qualities that are important in a man but these are the ones that stand out to me. These are the qualities that you build on.
Notice I didn’t put anything about physical appearance? You can’t be repulsed by them obviously lol. Please do not make a checklist of physical attributes. That is just ridiculous. You may notice a person first due to their appearance, but you don’t fall in love with someones abs, ass, legs, face, etc. You can admire those things of course, but you fall in love with a person’s heart. You fall in love with them because of who they are, what they represent, and how they make you feel. You would be surprised how many women fall head over heels in love with a man that was not their “type” so to speak.
Back to learning to love men again….
Remember what you think about you inevitably attract. So if you think all men are jerks, then guess what? You’re going to attract jerks. There’s a whole yucky vibe you put out and so you attract back those yucky people. Work your issues out so you love men again. Be open hearted and give people the benefit of the doubt. You don’t have to put up with crap from people, but give them a chance to be good. Sometimes believing in someone who has potential is enough to draw out the good. Sometimes it isn’t. Again give men a chance to show up. If they don’t, then move on.
Thanks for reading my rant today and remember finding love is a process just like anything else you do. Anything that is worth doing takes time, effort, and perseverance. Believe in yourself, be kind, and open your heart.
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