I’m hearing a lot of the same complaints from my subscribers as of late. The relationship ended and I have no idea why? I was dumped out of the blue. I was dating this guy for a while and then he just disappeared! We had sex and then he never called me again. I thought we had a connection? Then I ask the question…how did you meet?
We met online…
When I was dating online it seems those relationships either ended abruptly or I realized I was dating a crazy person! I would also reach out to people on the dating site and never hear back from them. I would only hear from guys I wasn’t all that excited about. It wasn’t fun and I basically cringe whenever I think about my life pre-Rob. No thank you! Online dating was a crazy maker and I’m so relieved I don’t have to go through that anymore. Online dating was a big pain in the you know what!
Are you struggling with online dating?
Hours of searching through online dating sights, meeting weird people, and wasting yet another evening on some guy who doesn’t look anything like his photo? Hearing some guy go on and on about himself and how much he works out at the gym. Sitting awkwardly with someone super weird that seemed normal on their profile. The list goes on. I remember all too well the painful process of online dating.
Tired of dating online? I get it. Here’s my suggestion.
Take a break.
There’s nothing wrong with taking a break. I know it’s a necessary evil to meet people, so don’t give up. Just take a break. Online dating can be so unbelievably exhausting. Yes, I realize it’s very difficult to meet people in person. I get it, so here’s what I suggest.
Put your profile on hold for about a month, or maybe even two months. Just stop for a bit. You can also keep it active but only respond to anyone who reaches out to you that seems interesting.
Online dating for a while and still no luck? I have three suggestions for you…
Suggestion #1: Take a break to work on yourself.
Take a break to work on yourself and stop searching for someone. Shift your focus back to you. If you’re not having any luck with online dating chances are your picker is off. That’s okay. How do you fix it?
Take a break from dating and take some time to work on yourself. You may be picking people who are no good for you. That means YOU have to work on yourself! It means you may need some clarity on how to select people. Does that mean you should feel bad about yourself? Hell no! Sometimes we need to take a break and self-reflect. Sometimes we need to stop and evaluate how we’re picking these people. Sometimes we just need a dating time-out.
I was there myself once upon a time. Here’s what I suggest. I did it and it worked for me.
Write down a list of the most important character traits that you believe a person should have. What are you working on to better yourself at this point in your life? You should always be working towards a personal goal! Always. We are humans who constantly change and in order to survive we must learn to adapt. Our environment changes. The people in our life change. We simply change. We must always be working to better ourselves no matter what. No man or woman is perfect and we change over time. Hopefully for the better!
What are those traits that you YOURSELF feel you should work on to be the best version of YOU? What’s important to you in a person? What qualities do you respect in others? Write it down. You should have at least three if not more. Okay, now it’s time to get to work.
Need an example? Here’s the list I put together after my divorce. I was a bit of a mess and I desperately needed to get myself together. So, I made my list. I wanted to display the below traits.
- Openminded and nonjudgmental
- Family first no matter what
- Confident in my success (whatever that looked like at the time)
- Kind and forgiving
- Smart and aware of what’s happening in the world.
That’s my list but make your own! Really take some time to think about this.
Why does this work? Here’s why.
When you focus on making yourself better, and what it takes to be better, you are essentially creating your list for those traits that are desirable to you. These are traits that YOU respect. Here’s how it happened for me.
I had my list of character traits that were important to me. Any choice that I made each day had to align with my list. My answer to any question or dilemma was how will the action that I take contribute to achieving those items on my list? I must live up to the standards that I set for myself.
I was doing this for months and then I met my husband Rob. I was working on myself. I was dating again after a little break. I was Old School Dating of course. I met him through work and we didn’t meet with any romantic intentions. We had three work events together back-to-back over the course of 2-3 months. We kept finding ourselves spending time together and talking about EVERYTHING! As I got to know him better, I suddenly realized he had those very traits that were so important to me!
He was my list! He himself portrayed those very traits that I was working on to better myself.
What happened next?
I had so much respect for him. This made me want to be better for me, for him, for my kids…he made me want to be better. He inspired me with his actions. The choices that he made, made me want to make better choices and live up to my list. It also validated my list. This validation turned into a connection with him. We respected the same traits. We had the same values. This made us connect on a much deeper level.
I hadn’t thought about him in a romantic way and then one day it hit me.
I really respect this guy. I really LOVE talking to this guy every chance I can. It’s like I can’t get enough Rob time!
Wait a minute???? I like this guy! I like this guy in a way I’ve never liked anyone in my entire life. It was a different feeling. It felt amazing. It was completely unexpected.
What a wonderful surprise. 🙂
I continued to practice Old School Dating and strictly followed all of the rules in Never Chase a Man Again. I let him pursue me. I let him do the work. The rest is history as they say.
Suggestion #2: Go Places Every Chance You Get
Do what YOU want to do. Find activities that interest YOU and go do them.
Date yourself for a month or two.
Bottom line. When you do activities that you enjoy you will naturally meet people with common interests. You may meet a person who has a single friend? Referrals are the best! When you focus on yourself for a bit you learn more about yourself.
It’s OKAY to take some time to focus on yourself. I urge you to do this from time to time when you’re looking for someone special. When you go places alone you’re forced to meet new people. Sit alone and have lunch or dinner somewhere. I did this and I met some really exciting people! One time I went wine tasting and had lunch by myself. I met a group of people that invited me to join them. They were super nice and we had a really great time. It was totally unexpected.
Take yourself on a lunch date alone. Take yourself for coffee or tea. Be alone. Learn more about yourself. Learn to be comfortable in your own skin. Don’t be afraid to be alone. Join a beach volleyball group or bowling group. (Read here for suggestions on how to build your social calendar) Take painting classes! If you don’t know what you’re into simply try new things. Take a cooking class, kick boxing class, whatever sounds fun.
Get off your butt! Get off the PHONE!!!!!
You have to actually leave your home to meet real life people! Go do outside activities during the day. Get outside and enjoy the sunshine. Stay off your phone and keep your eyes open and head up. Be available to meet new people the old-fashioned way.
Please Note: Do not go to the bar by yourself. Do not meet people in bars. That should never be your plan. Go with your friends to the bar to blow off some steam. That’s it. Meeting someone at a bar is as difficult if not more difficult than meeting quality people online. It’s just the facts.
I always say…. Women go to a bar and think “I hope I meet someone tonight.” Men generally go to the bar and think “I hope I get laid tonight.” (sorry guys) If they’re not thinking about getting laid, then they’re most likely going to hang with their boys. Most guys don’t want to tell their mom they met their future wife at a bar. I’m not saying it’s impossible to meet someone at a bar. (My parents met at a bar and I do know one other couple who met at a bar). I can tell you both the couples I know that went to the bar, were not at the bar looking for their soul mate. In other words, they didn’t go to the bar hoping to meet “the one” that night.
You will most likely not find your soulmate at a bar. The chances are slim to none so play the odds.
Suggestion #3: Open Your Mind to Different Types of People
Date people that you wouldn’t normally go out with! Do you have a physical type? STOP IT. Seriously, stop it right now. There’s one thing in particular I’ve noticed that a ton of women do.
It’s a HUGE mistake.
Ladies, if you’re a tall woman and have a height restriction for the men you will go out with, STOP IT. Seriously, stop it right now. It’s okay if you’re a little bit taller than your guy. It’s okay if he isn’t a tall man. If he’s a confident man, then he won’t care. Seriously, it really doesn’t matter that much. Don’t believe me?
Just try it. Just be OPEN to it.
Bottom line. Having a physical “type” in any way shape or form, is the best way to ensure you will meet less quality people. You’re literally destroying your odds of meeting the love of your life! The love of your life could be one inch shorter than your minimum requirement. One little inch…Why haven’t you met him yet? Because you think he comes in a different shoe size? Come on, you know that doesn’t sound right, so just stop it!
Let me tell you right now. When you meet a man who adores you, and treats you like the most important person on the planet, you won’t give a crap how tall he is. (not really anyway) Seriously, it’s simply not that important. Just wear flats. Who cares. Remember, you pay way less attention to someone’s physical appearance when you meet in person as opposed to looking online. You don’t mind things as much because you’re actually having a conversation with a person.
Online dating is so one-dimensional.
Think about the guys you went to high school or college with. There had to be a few who weren’t exactly your type but their personality was awesome? They were either super smart and witty or super fun to be around. Didn’t you enjoy hanging out with them? Maybe you didn’t want to date them but you had a good time just hanging out?
Remember 9/10 guys you go out with aren’t your soulmate. Just have a good time! Don’t be fixated on looks, or height, or anything material. PLEASE! Remember online dating is very one-dimensional. Falling in love is anything but, so you must remember that.
Listen, if someone asks you out and you find them even the slightest bit interesting you should say yes! It’s just a date. You’re not getting married. You can’t be repulsed by them obviously, but don’t put so much emphasis on looks or physical qualities. When you get to really know someone, and love who they are on the inside, you can basically throw all that stupid crap out the window!
It’s such a HUGE mistake. I can’t stress this enough!
Thanks for reading my rant today and remember it’s okay to take a break from dating to focus on YOU.
Take some time to work on yourself so that you show up as the best version you can possibly be. Be ready for when the love of your life shows up, and remember, he may not show up in the package you envisioned he would. 😉
Not sure if you believe in soulmates or not? Read this.
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