Sometimes people just don’t know what the HELL they want. So what do they do? They use and abuse you while they try to figure it out. They string you along or worse they try to tell you that something is wrong with YOU. It’s total BS.
WARNING: This is NOT a lovely dovey and all people are generally good post today! What I say is super blunt, but let me tell you I’ve been on both sides of the equation. I’ve been the one used and the one using! Yep, I’ve even been a user. Was I bad person? Nope. I just needed to get my act together and I was too immature to know it.
I’ve heard too much lately of people taking advantage of others and it infuriates me. Hence this week’s rant…
Enough is enough.
This goes for both men and women because as we know both can be real jerks. You will notice that I use he and she interchangeably throughout the post since this is NOT gender specific.
I had too many calls this week with subscribers who are dating people that are NOT treating them well. Maybe they aren’t total jerks but they are NOT showing up to the relationship.
These people need to show up or ship out! I give a few scenarios of what I’ve encountered this week in hopes that it will do one of two things for you:
- You will wake up if YOU are being used and abused. You will realize it and begin to stick up for yourself! Value yourself and don’t let people take advantage of you. The sooner you begin to stick up for yourself, the sooner you will find someone special.
- You will stop being selfish if you’re the one using and abusing. Listen, I’ve been there. If you suspect you’re guilty of the below, then please stop and self-reflect. You’re better than that. Treat people how you want to be treated. Please grow up.
Below are three scenarios of the types of jerks I’ve heard about this week…
Scenario #1: Shiny Ball Syndrome Jerk
Here’s how this person operates…
“I don’t know what the hell I want so I will just string you along until I figure it out, OR someone else who is flashier and shinier comes along.”
This is the jerk who says all of the right things but never takes the next step. You feel like a horse with a carrot being dangled in front of you. This person may finally tell you he just want to be friends, although ALL of his previous actions imply otherwise.
Maybe it’s texting or calling and talking for hours. This person may even shamelessly flirt with you. This is the person who SAYS one thing but does the other. It’s infuriating. It’s also cruel. It’s cruel to play with someone’s emotions like that. If you’re in this situation, then I really feel for you. I’m worried that you don’t have confidence in yourself and know that you deserve better. Let me tell you something.
You deserve better! The trick is you have to ask for it. Don’t take crumbs. Don’t let people take advantage of you. Set boundaries.
This infuriates me to no end! It’s one thing to not know for sure because it’s early in the relationship. It’s an entirely different thing when you KNOW but you’re stroking your ego. This is the person who says they just want to be friends, and then turns around and teases you. This person needs to go fly a kite. Kick him to the curb. Not ready to kick him to the curb? This guy needs to start WORKING to get you before you give him another second of your time. You deserve better.
You will not get better until you start asking for it!
This is the person who constantly uses lame excuses as to why he or she doesn’t want to be in a relationship.
Here’s some of the typical excuses:
“ I travel so much for work. I have no time.” (Who doesn’t work hard? What are you the President? Get over yourself.)
“I don’t want to ruin what we have. Friendship.” (This one really blows)
“I’m not looking for a relationship right now.” (Then why are we hanging out again?)
“I’m not ready to settle down, but you’re so much fun!” (Gag me. Run as fast as you can if you ever hear this. This person is either a player or an infant. This person is playing games.)
“Sorry I have to cancel last minute. Super busy at work right now.” (rude)
I’m sure you can add to the list of annoying excuses. Here’s the bottom line. If someone really likes you, then their work, friends, or anything else won’t get in the way. If this person doesn’t make you a priority, that’s because you aren’t a priority to this person. There’s nothing wrong with you! Find someone who makes you a priority. In fact, if you’ve let this person get away with these excuses for a while now, then you’ve shown him that it’s okay. It’s NOT okay! You deserve to be a priority. You deserve to be put first and have your feelings taken into consideration.
Of course life happens and things come up, but that should be the exception not the rule.
If someone tells you they just wants to be friends, then move on! He flat-out told you he is not entertaining the idea of a romantic relationship with you. You must act based on what he told you even his actions show otherwise. If you held his feet to the fire and he told you he just wants to be friends, then take him at his word. Please don’t waste your time thinking this person will have an “aha” moment and think you are the one for him. Maybe there is the slightest chance that will happen, but generally that only happens in movies and not in real life.
Move on and don’t look back.
You Must Set Boundaries
You respect yourself, therefore, you have boundaries. You will not tolerate anyone who doesn’t treat you with respect and consideration. You’re not a jerk about it! You simply know who you are and what does and doesn’t work for you. You set healthy boundaries and remove people from your life who don’t treat you kindly and with respect. What does this look like? If a guy you’ve started seeing calls and asks you out at the last minute, the answer is no. Are you playing games? Nope. You have a life and if you’re going to drop and tend to someone at the last minute then they need to show you that you’re a priority. How do they do this? They call you in advance and make plans to see you. He must show you that you’re a priority to him before you will make him one. You are a priority. You are not a fleeting thought when he gets bored or is looking for a good time.
When you first get to know someone and you really like this person you want to impress that person, right? I
f you respect someone you’re trying to win over then you want to show up in the best way possible. If a man really likes you and respects you, then he will want to show up in the best way possible. How does he do this? He calls and asks you out on a date with advanced notice. If he really wants to see you, he will prioritize his time to be with you. He will ask you out in advance and stick to his plans. He won’t call and cancel with some lame excuse, or try and back-out. If he does, then you don’t go out with him again unless he keeps asking you out and is extremely apologetic. Even then, I wouldn’t give him too much of your time and attention, until he proves otherwise. Not because you’re a diva, but because you value yourself and have self-respect.
You also know the right people to surround yourself with. Your bubble, so to speak. You surround yourself with people you value and trust. People you respect. You are the company you keep.
You do this because you value yourself.
You have a life and expect that the person you’re dating will respect your time. You also respect his time as well, of course! It’s not about playing games and playing hard to get. It’s about respecting yourself, having a life, and teaching people how to treat you. If you let people take advantage then you’re teaching that person that it’s okay. You’re showing that person that you don’t value yourself and you’re willing to accept less.
What’s a good way to test this? If it doesn’t feel good, then say no. Don’t settle for scraps and know your worth.
Again, it’s not about playing hard to get, it’s about actually being hard to get, like we talked about last week. Not so hard to get that it’s unachievable and phony, but just enough that that you show you value yourself. A woman who values herself, but doesn’t have to play games, is the kind of woman who men chase. She’s actually showing that she doesn’t have time for games. If you want to see her, ask her out. Plan a date and don’t flake out. Be respectful and considerate of other people.
Do you remember the movie “He’s Just Not That Into You?” I read the book beforehand and was so excited when I learned it would be made into a movie. There’s a scene in the movie (well actually like ten thousand scenes) that illustrates the point.
The point is this:
Maybe you are the exception, but you MUST act as if you’re not. Behave as if you are the rule.
(Watch this quick clip below to see what I mean)
Often times a person will use you to boost their ego. It’s such BS. This person should be kicked in the you know what. I also feel badly for these people. The truth is that this person is feeling insecure. This person most likely has a low self-esteem and so he or she uses others to compensate for it.
Move on and KNOW that you are an amazing person and you deserve to be adored. Go find your person! He’s waiting out there somewhere for you. Don’t waste your time on someone who is jerking you around.
Scenario #2: Zero Accountability Wuss
This one has broken up with you, but because she is so insecure, she insists on telling you everything that’s wrong with you. Basically, this person can’t take responsibility for their own life and decisions so they place the blame on you. YOU are the reason it didn’t work out. If you just did this ONE thing, or felt differently about something then everything would be great. YOU are the reason the relationship didn’t work. They did everything right and it’s all your fault. Seriously? It’s never one person, unless they do something horrible to you of course like cheating, or lying. Most of the time; however, it just doesn’t work out.
This person is unhappy with her life and the choices that she has made. She also doesn’t want to make the tough choices. She takes it out on you because you’re willing to take it! Don’t be willing! You are not a punching bag. Don’t stand there and take a beating. Stick up for yourself.
Here is what I tell this person. Grow a pair and make a decision. Work on your self-esteem and get your shit together! Stand by your decisions without making it about someone else’s faults. What right do you have to take another person down? Sometimes you just want different things. Sometimes it just doesn’t work out. Grow up and walk away. Don’t mentally bash someone you once said you cared about.
Scenario #3: The Infant
This one can’t make a damn decision at all so everything is on a whim. You’re never sure what this person really wants because he doesn’t really know himself. What does he do? He goes back and forth. He breaks up with you and then two days later wants you back. Nothing much has really changed. He just decides he wants to be with you again and can’t live without you. You haven’t solved any of your problems and it feels like a broken record of a horrible song. This person even acts out like an infant. She has fits or throws a temper tantrum when something doesn’t go her way. It’s like dealing with a child who has zero impulse control. She cheats on you and then says she’s sorry. He’s scared of commitment or some BS like that.
If anyone ever cheats on you get out now. I know most of you know this, but there are others who tolerate this shitty behavior. No excuses for cheating. EVER. Dump him now or live to regret it.
You will have to excuse my rant today! I talked with a few subscribers this past week and it made me so angry! Don’t mess with my subscribers. They’re too smart for the Shiny Ball Syndrome Jerk. My subscribers deserve better than to be with the Zero Accountability Wuss. Last but not least the Infant can go back home to his momma.
It’s hard to know what you need in a romantic partner. Love is hard enough. Don’t take someone else down because you want different things. Worse, don’t torture another person because you haven’t gotten your stuff figured out yet. What gives you the right to tell someone they’re wrong for needing something different than you. It’s okay if you haven’t gotten your shit together yet, but wrong is wrong. You know it’s not okay to take advantage of and hurt others.
Let me be clear. I’m not saying that you should begin acting like a diva. I’m simply saying that if you want better you have to expect it. You can’t demand it, but you can expect it and not settle for anything less. If you don’t get it, then believe in yourself enough to walk away. Be patient and wait for the right person to show up.
Don’t force someone to be someone they’re not and don’t make them feel bad about not being the person you need.
Go find who you need! Your person is out there. Stop wasting time by sitting around and hoping he or she will change their mind. Life is short. Don’t waste it on the users. Don’t waste it on people who haven’t figured out their issues yet. Don’t waste it on someone who doesn’t treat you how you deserve to be treated.
Are you still struggling to figure out your issues? That’s okay. Nobody is perfect. Just remember that and be kind to yourself and others in the process. Be openminded and be kind. Work on yourself.
Listen, maybe it’s not his fault that he’s an infant, or that she has shiny ball syndrome, but as the saying goes…
“It may not be your fault, but it’s still your problem.”
Don’t date jerks and more importantly… don’t be one!
Value Yourself. Stick up for yourself. If you don’t like a behavior, then say so! It’s not mean, it’s just what you need. Don’t let someone string you along. That’s wrong. You have the right to tell someone what YOU need. If they can’t provide it, then you have to be strong and walk away. If you don’t stick up for yourself, then nobody else will.
Be kind, but be assertive.
This is said with much love! I really needed to vent today! I love you. Please, please, please love and value yourself!!!!
You’re worth it.
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