When I first started dating again after my divorce, I was a mess. I thought that I had to look perfect, so I put all of my effort into my looks. Yes, I felt great about how I looked, but I realized that I was attracting the wrong kind of men. I wanted to attract a man who I could have a deep connection with. I learned pretty quickly that dating men who were fixated on my looks, was not getting me closer to finding the connection that I longed for.
Men who only cared about how I looked, were superficial and not really interested in what was going on in my head and in my heart. They were looking for trophy wives and not for a life partner. I was looking for a partnership for one of the most important endeavors there is.
Our culture puts so much emphasis on looks it’s ridiculous. Yes, it’s important to feel attractive and to be confident. Yes, it’s important to take pride in how you present yourself to the world. I believe that there are other characteristics that are more important, and that actually make you more attractive overall. When I set out to meet someone special after my divorce, it took a while for me to figure this out.
It’s funny, I remember going out with some pretty attractive guys that did nothing for me. Have you ever met a guy and thought “wow this guy’s hot!” Then they open their mouth, and the more they talk, the more unattractive they become? Maybe they are ugly on the inside, or they don’t have their priorities straight. Whatever the reason, they manage to become more unattractive as you talk to them. You can’t get away fast enough!
That happened to me on more than one occasion. In fact, I remember when I was set-up with some very physically fit men. A few of them only talked about working out. They would ask me what my workout routine was, and how often I worked out, and what I ate. Blah, blah, blah…. snore.
I remember thinking before one of my dates, “If one more guy talks about cross fit or going to the gym, and how important it is to him, I’m going to get up and walk out.” Sorry, I’m not saying cross fit or working out is bad, but can we talk about something else too please? Can we not immediately start the date comparing work-out regimens? I’m not saying you shouldn’t talk about working out if you enjoy it. That’s not what I’m saying at all. The problem is that I knew immediately when I first met a guy, if his main goal was to determine if I was going to gain weight or not. The very first topic, was working out and eating habits. It was getting to the point, that I could immediately tell as soon as I sat down, if I was going to get the “work-out interrogation.”
Do you want to know how often I go to the bathroom and shower? What about that routine? How about how often I get my car washed or get my tires rotated? Is car maintenance or lack of a deal breaker for you? If I shower every other day, is that enough? Um, no. Anyway, I digress and please excuse the rant…Yes, I agree it’s important to have commonalities in your lifestyle, but how about we get to know each other first. Are we at the gym or on a date? Let’s pretend we have some depth, and have other goals besides looking hot. What you do say?
How do you come across as desirable on a first date? What should you be looking for on a first date?
In previous blog posts, I get pretty detailed regarding the types of qualities you should be looking for in a partner. While that’s helpful information when you’re deciding whether or not you should emotionally invest in a partner, there are some basic characteristics that are important to look for on that very first date. Or even perhaps on the first few dates with someone new.
What are the basic traits you should look for on a first date?
When I was doing research and dating a lot, I came up with a list of characteristics that were important to me based on what I found attractive in a man. Then I tried to figure out how that translated into being a more attractive female overall. I thought to myself, “How can I present myself so that I come across as more attractive overall?”
Once I thought I figured that out, I started to implement it into my dating routine. It’s really the same for men and women, but of course I like to put my feminine spin on it.
If you want to stand out, and be more attractive when dating someone, then below are my suggestions on important characteristics to display. These traits are what I looked for on a first date, before I determined if there was second date potential. Yes, it’s pretty light and basic. That’s really how a first date should be. Light and Basic. If they didn’t at least have these traits going for them on the first date, then I was typically not that excited to go out again.
So here goes…
There is nothing more attractive than confidence. Not, cocky or conceited, but confident. You have to be comfortable in your own skin. When a person is confident it implies so many other positive traits. Confidence, means you know who you are. It means you have a good self-esteem and you have standards. You don’t take crumbs and you know your value. It’s normal to be a bit nervous on a first date, but you shouldn’t be terrified. (If you are, then you need to practice dating). Its okay to feel a little unsettled because you don’t know what you’re walking into. A confident person goes on a date to find out if they’re interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with you. They aren’t as concerned with whether or not the other person actually likes them. Everyone likes to be liked of course, but that isn’t the main focus. Confidence also implies that you have a life, you’re not desperate, and not willing to date just anyone.
Everyone likes to be around a happy person. No one likes to be around a Debbie Downer. If you go on a date with someone who is negative and critical the entire time, it’s the worst. Talk about a buzz kill. They shouldn’t be manic either of course. I think we all remember Tom Cruise jumping up and down on the couch on Oprah? He was in a totally manic state when discussing his new relationship with Katie Holmes. We all know how that ended. He appeared extremely happy, but it wasn’t exactly stable and was a little over the top. You’re looking for someone who is happy and at peace with who they are. Of course, anyone can be happy for the duration of one date. This one can sometimes take a few dates or more to determine if a person is truly happy or just pretending. Happy also implies a lot of other great qualities. Genuine happiness implies mental stability and an overall sense of self. I’ve said before, to be truly happy, you have to be able to go with the flow. Happy people can have crap thrown at the all day, and they don’t let it tear them down. Happiness also implies that they have their shit together. They may not have it all figured out, but they’re content in the fact that they’re doing their best. A truly happy person is at peace. I won’t get into this section too much since we’ve covered happiness in other blog posts, but you can read more here.
You want to be a giver not a taker. Everyone wants to receive love and acts of kindness from others, but they forget one important thing. You have to give, if you want to receive. If you’re constantly taking, then you wear people out. If you give to people, they will naturally want to give back to you. It’s human nature. The kinder you are to people, the more kindness you will receive in return. If someone doesn’t return your kindness back to you, and constantly takes from you, then move on. Kindness is of course is pretty straightforward, but it’s so important. Look for little cues on the date. Is your date kind to the wait staff? How they interact with the wait staff tells you so much! Do they ask you questions about your life or do they just babble on about themselves the entire time? A good indicator of a taker, is someone who won’t stop talking and give you a chance to talk. Also, remember that some people will talk about nice things they do so you think they are kind. Just look at their actions. Anyone can talk all day about how nice they are, and how they give to charity, support their family, etc. The best way to tell is how they behave. Actions speak louder than words. You know this.
Fun & Open
Are you fun and open to new experiences? If you’re closed off and unsure, it’s difficult to have fun! If you have to control everything around you, it’s even harder to have a good time. Have fun, take a load off. If you’re putting a ton of pressure on yourself to try and impress your date, this will be difficult. Be yourself, have fun. Be flexible. You don’t have to impress them! You don’t have to agree with them on everything, you don’t even have to even like them. For example, I’m a goofball by nature. I remember going on dates and making silly jokes that some of the guys didn’t find amusing. Did I feel stupid? Maybe a little at first, lol. Eventually I realized (after getting a few laughs) that I should just go for it! I like being a goofball. I like being silly. I love to make people laugh and I love sarcasm. I didn’t change who I was to complement my date. I made sure to be myself. One of the reasons I love my husband so much is because he laughs out loud at my jokes. He says I’m the funniest woman alive. I LOVE that he thinks that. Maybe I wasn’t to some of the other guys, but I am to him and that’s what counts. Have fun and don’t take the date too seriously. Remember, most of the dates you go on are not with your soul mate. Life is short so just have a good time! So, you’re not very funny? That’s okay. That was just my example. Go places that are fun, be yourself, and simply enjoy the fact that you’re not working. Enjoy your down time and see if there’s a little chemistry.
Leave a little mystery on the table. Don’t over share on the first date. TMI is such a turn off. Yes, we are all a little damaged. After all, we’re human. Don’t lay it all out on the table. Be yourself, but take your time to divulge some parts of your life. The goal of the first date is simply to see if there’s some natural chemistry, and if you want to see them again. So, the date went great and you haven’t heard back about a second? Move on. Do NOT reach out. If a man wants to see you again, he will make it happen. If he doesn’t, then he won’t. Have you had a couple of dates, exchanged texts, had some phone conversations, and then a couple of days go by and nothing? Do NOT reach out. Do not initiate contact. If he likes you, he will reach out. Let him wonder what you are up to. To pull this off, you have to be confident. Be confident that the right guy is out there, and you don’t have to make it happen. Then, let him come to you. Never Chase a Man Again. Let him try and figure out what it’s going to take to woo you. Do not pursue him. Let him pursue you. Let him figure it out and do the work. Keep a little bit of mystery.
Oh, and I hate I have to say this, but please keep a little to the imagination with your clothing. I see women on dates with almost everything hanging out. Doesn’t leave much to the imagination, does it? You do not need to show your skin to look attractive. In fact, it’s much more attractive and classy to show less. Show you’re a woman by wearing pink or floral, and not by letting your girls hang out! That attracts the wrong kind of guy. That attracts the kind of guy you don’t want. Keep it classy and show that you are a woman to be desired, not ogled over. I’m not saying it’s impossible to attract a good man wearing a low-cut shirt. I’m saying that you have to weed through a LOT more of the bad ones, to get to a good one using that strategy. I don’t recommend it.
So, you have your first date with someone new? Did they make the cut? Did you demonstrate the above traits? Remember, this is just my opinion but I literally at one point had 2-3 dates each month for about a year. Maybe more. Needless to say, I have a lot of first date experience. Sadly, lol.
All joking aside I did a lot of observing on these dates. When writing this post, it literally took me back and made me remember some of the dates I went on. Keep the above traits in mind when on a date. See if that person is able to demonstrate at least these basic qualities. Keep it light and fun! Maybe you aren’t meeting your soul mate. Maybe you’re meeting a new friend. Maybe you need to meet this person at this point in your life in order to learn something new about yourself.
Do you have Your Plan for Happiness in 2018?
Have a great weekend!
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