Do You Know Who Determines Your Value?
Do people walk all over you? Do you accept less from others because you don’t think you deserve more? Do you let people take advantage of you?
Are you afraid to stick up for yourself because you don’t want to make someone mad, or worse, be alone?
There’s a difference between being kind and being a push over. One should be kind, but never to the extent it takes away from their personal value. Think of yourself like your bank account. You take money out and you replenish your account, but you never want your account balance in the negative. Otherwise, you pay overdraft fees! There’s a consequence for taking out more than you put in.
Your personal value is like that. Give a little and take a little, but don’t let yourself be depleted. Set boundaries with the people in your life.
If you constantly let others take from you, then your personal account balance will eventually be in the negative. If you give a little (are kind) but also feed your value account (take care of yourself) then you won’t go into the negative.
You can’t give to someone if you’re depleted. There’s only one person who can ensure you fill your value account.
How do you increase your personal value when you feel like you’re in the negative?
Well, to keep it simple, you need to know your personal value. Then, more importantly, you must demonstrate it. If you have a low self-esteem then you need to realize you have value to provide to the world. Everyone does. You just have to find it.
I’m not saying to go around demanding stuff from people. It can’t be superficial. I’m saying that you should give to people who appreciate it when necessary, but never so much you put yourself in a negative state.
Do you know who determines your value?
The only person who determines your value is yourself.
You teach people how to treat you. If you accept less than what’s fair, then that’s what you will get. It’s a simple statement, but really if you think about it, it’s a very powerful statement.
You have the ability to drastically change things in your life.
If you let a guy call and hang out with you at the last minute, then guess what? You will be sitting around waiting for him to call and maybe hang out with you.
What does that really mean? It means you’re the girl he calls when the other girl he really wants to go out with isn’t available. You’re the back-up girl. Do you want to be the back-up girl? (Read Never Chase a Man Again)
People treat you how you teach them to treat you.
If you let someone take advantage of you, most likely they will. I’m not saying people are bad, but they definitely will not prioritize you.
Why should they? You’ve shown them that they don’t have to!
Have you asked someone to prioritize you and that person still won’t? If you’ve asked him or her and they still won’t prioritize you its because you haven’t demonstrated with your actions that they have to. Saying it alone is simply not enough.
Saying it alone, and not taking any action, is just complaining. Nobody wants to be a whiner.
How do you do this? Very simple.
You have to say “NO” sometimes. That’s all. You don’t have to be rude, you just have to say, “no thanks.” Then most importantly you have to walk away, or move on, or pick up and go right back to what you were doing before.
Do you think it’s really not that simple? Then, you may be afraid to be alone. A lot of people are afraid to stick up for themselves because they are afraid the other person will go away.
It’s Fear. Let me tell you right now, there are no good decisions made from a place of fear.
Whenever I make an important decision, I make damn sure I’m not making a fear based decision.
Sometimes you need to let fear go by the wayside. You have to remember that 9 out of the 10 things we worry about never happen anyway. They simply just don’t!
If you’re afraid to say no then you most likely are afraid to be alone.
You have to be okay with being alone. Being alone is very difficult and scary for some people.
If this is difficult for you, then you have to start going places alone. I was terrified of sitting by myself at a restaurant for lunch at one point. I would fidget awkwardly and not know where to look. I was very uncomfortable in my own skin. I didn’t know what to do with myself.
So, I started making myself go places alone! Take a book if you have to. That always helps. It makes it seem as if you’re looking for some “me” time. That way you don’t feel so self-conscious, at first.
My husband used to go to breakfast alone every morning when he was learning how to be alone.
So, you’re not a morning person? That’s okay, go every Saturday to your favorite coffee shop and have a cup of coffee or tea.
Whatever you do, you have to learn how to be alone with yourself and be comfortable in your own skin.
Everyone struggles with being alone at some point in their life. It just happens at different times for everyone.
People who are comfortable in their own skin are the people who have learned how to be alone successfully.
You need to feel good in your own company.
I’ve been there. I didn’t make any plans for the weekend, and then I would wait for some guy to call and invite me to hang out. When it didn’t happen I would get mad, or feel like I wasn’t good enough.
What I realize now is that while I was sitting at home waiting around for some guy to call, there were some really awesome guys out and about that I could have met!
I could have planned lunch with my friends. Instead, I waited around at home just in case he called and asked me out. Pretty pathetic, right?
You have the ability to start expecting more for yourself from others. You have the right damn it!
The only person who can truly determine your value is yourself.
You can determine your value because people’s perceptions of you are based on the actions you take.
A lot of people don’t know their value. A lot of people sit around and take crumbs. People come in and out of their life. They don’t demand anything so they don’t get anything.
They just keep dating new people hoping that things will eventually change.
If you do not take action, nothing will change.
How do you determine your value?
You must be self-aware and know your strengths! We all have them, that’s the good news. For as many weaknesses as you have, you have that many strengths. In fact, I learned from a brilliant professor in college that the best way to find your strengths is to look at your weaknesses. (Read more about self-awareness here)
I have some quick examples below. (These are just examples by the way and they differ per individual of course)
Anal retentive = Organized
Impulsive = Spontaneous
Stubborn = Strong Willed
If you don’t know your strengths, then you don’t know your value.
If you don’t know your value, then you will struggle with dating.
Strengths = Value
Weaknesses = Growth Potential and Self-Awareness.
Embrace your strengths but identify areas you’re weak and work on those. If you ignore them and think they will go away, then you will live the same unhappy life you were before.
If you do end up with someone, and don’t know your value, then you will end up with another unhappy person that validates your negative mental state. You will never grow, and you will never have a deep, loving and fulfilling connection with another human being. (Learn how to stop the negative self-talk here)
Then you die. The end. (Boo)
You certainly cannot have fulfilling relationships if you don’t know your value. Each individual provides value to a relationship. If you can’t demonstrate your value then you won’t bring anything to the table.
You Must Set Boundaries
You respect yourself, therefore, you have boundaries. You will not tolerate anyone who doesn’t treat you with respect and consideration. You’re not a jerk about it! You simply know who you are and what does and doesn’t work for you. You set healthy boundaries and remove people from your life who don’t treat you kindly and with respect. What does this look like? If a guy you’ve started seeing calls and asks you out at the last minute, the answer is no. Are you playing games? Nope. You have a life. If you’re going to drop and tend to someone at the last minute then they need to show you that you’re a priority. How do they do this? They call you in advance and make plans to see you.
He must show you that you’re a priority to him before you will make him one.
You’re a priority. You’re not a fleeting thought when he gets bored or is looking for a good time. When you first get to know someone, and you really like this person you want to impress that person, right? If you respect someone you’re trying to win over then you want to show up in the best way possible.
If a man really likes you and respects you, then he will want to show up in the best way possible.
How does he do this? He calls and asks you out on a date with advanced notice. If he really wants to see you, he will prioritize his time to be with you. He will ask you out in advance and stick to his plans. He won’t call and cancel with some lame excuse, or try and back-out. If he does, then you don’t go out with him again unless he keeps asking you out and is extremely apologetic. Even then, I wouldn’t give him too much of your time and attention, until he proves otherwise. Not because you’re a diva, but because you value yourself and have self-respect.
You have a life and expect that the person you’re dating will respect your time. You also respect his time as well, of course! It’s not about playing games and playing hard to get. It’s about respecting yourself, having a life, and teaching people how to treat you. If you let people take advantage of you, then you’re teaching that person that it’s okay. You’re showing that person that you don’t value yourself and you’re willing to accept less.
What’s a good way to test this? If it doesn’t feel good, then say no. Don’t settle for scraps and know your worth.
Again, it’s not about playing hard to get, it’s about actually being hard to get. Not so hard to get that it’s unachievable and phony, but just enough that you show you value yourself.
A woman who values herself, but doesn’t have to play games, is the kind of woman who men chase.
She’s actually showing that she doesn’t have time for games. If you want to see her, ask her out. Plan a date and don’t flake out. Be respectful and considerate of other people.
Please know that you have value. Everyone has value. The real problem is that a lot of people just don’t demonstrate it because they’re afraid.
I’m telling you right now that you do have value. If you are a human being, then you have value.
Celebrate your strengths. Don’t be afraid to stick up for yourself. Practice being alone. Be humble. Be proud.
Show your value.
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