Who should pay for dinner? The man, evolutionarily and biologically speaking…what?
If you study Evolutionary Psychology you will learn that our brains and habits are defined by what our ancestors needed, not really what we need now! Pretty crazy right? Our brains are only evolved enough to face the problems our ancestors faced. Our brains don’t evolve as fast as this quickly changing world.
Biology dictates that when a woman is pregnant, at some point, she will be unable to solely provide for her child. Whether it’s for weeks to months is the question of course because woman are now more financially self-sufficient and more independent.
But here’s why the man should pay at minimum for the first dinner. (It doesn’t have to be fancy y’all) He’s showing you that he is able to provide for you as a mate and for any potential and non-existent children (bare with me) in the event you become pregnant. More importantly he’s showing that he’s “willing” to provide. If you’re a woman carrying a child, you have to realize that you won’t be able to “provide” for some period of time. It may be a very short insignificant period of time, but the fact still remains. (Think about women who have to go on bed rest, or heaven forbid the baby stays in the hospital, or is sick and needs round the clock care).
Yes, I realize women are more resourceful now, but there is the chance that a pregnant woman will be physically unable to leave the home to go out and acquire the resources required for her to care for her child.
I realize this is a little extreme, but our minds are preparing for reproduction and survival. Our dating responses are based on those needs.
The man is demonstrating that if needed he is “able” and also “willing” to take care of you if and when you need it most and for your children. It’s merely a demonstration. It’s so important to understand that it’s not solely about being able to provide, but about being willing to provide. If he has the means but isn’t willing then he may as well not have the means. Ladies, if he has the means and isn’t willing then he isn’t feeling it for you!
Sorry, but if a man does not pay for dinner at least on the first date, then I would think twice about going out with him again. By the way, I have met many men who told me that a man should pay for dinner. They think it’s ridiculous that people are splitting the check now. These are good men. I’m not saying the other guys are bad. I’m really not. I’m saying that if he really likes you and wants to go out with you again, he will pay. It’s not about the money. Ladies, if a guy really likes you and wants to be certain that you go out with him again? Trust me, he will jump across the table to pick up the tab. If he doesn’t? Please don’t spend a lot of time thinking about him or analyzing the date. He isn’t I promise.
I know it’s confusing these days because sometimes the woman is the one who makes a better living. That’s why I say at minimum the first date. Don’t let chivalry die ladies, and let him demonstrate to you that you’re a woman worth picking up the tab for. It’s literally the least he can do. Are you not worth it? (wink, you are)
How Feminism Screwed Up Dating
Feminism is important. Feminism has gotten women where we are today and without it we would be in a horrible place. Unfortunately, feminism has transformed the dating arena and made it that much more tricky to navigate. It’s difficult for women these days, especially ambitious and driven women. We have to put on our more aggressive “hat” so to speak to drive our careers, but wear a more vulnerable and feminine “hat” when dating and raising children.
It’s very difficult to pull off.
My personal observation is this. Instead of celebrating feminine qualities, a lot of women are starting to behave more like men. I believe in feminism but I still think we have very far to go.
I can do anything a man can do, but I don’t have to act like a man to do it.
I think we can do better. I want equal pay and I want my feminine qualities to be celebrated!
Women are so hard now. We say, “I can take care of myself thank you, and don’t need a man!” That may be true, but why is it wrong to want to be taken care of? Why can’t we take care of ourselves and be grateful for another human being who loves us and wants to make us feel cared for?
I think it’s pretty honorable and self-less to want to provide emotionally for another human being. Not necessarily financially, but emotionally available and willing to think about what another person needs, besides yourself.
Somewhere along the way, feminists stopped being feminine. Some feminists may want to punch me in the face for saying this, but I don’t care. I know that we have to be more aggressive. I know that we have to fight for what we want, and I’m not ignorant to that fact.
In fact, I get it. I worked in a pre-dominantly male driven industry and boy do I get it! I value women like Ruth Bader Ginsburg who had to fight to change the laws to get women out of the house-wife “cage.” The thing is that she had a partner. Her partner was an evolved man that supported her. It wasn’t a competition. They were a team. They did what they had to do together, to build a successful life, and she still acted like a feminine woman in the process. A bad-ass alpha female of her time!
Listen, the rules have changed. Please don’t get me wrong, I think it’s great.
We are evolving as a species. That’s amazing but it’s left some men and women unhappy and alone because they don’t have a basic understanding of how evolutionary psychology and feminism have shaped relationships.
Feminism has afforded women all of the rights to pursue a man. She can call him, text him, ask him out and even pay for dinner. She can sleep with a man on the first date if she wants. Is this really in our best interest? I say no. I say you can be a successful, driven and independent woman, who also has the adoration and care from a man she loves.
It makes me sad when I see really great women who are alone and trying to find love, but they can’t because they’re acting like men. They’re picking up the tab, opening their own door, and calling men and asking them out. They’re pursuing men, because it’s socially acceptable now, meanwhile they can’t get to date #2. Worse, they’re sleeping with men too soon, because that’s also socially acceptable now, and it’s hurting their potential for a long-term committed relationship.
I’m not saying a woman can’t call and ask a man out, occasionally. It’s a very fine line; however. If you’re only friends with a man first, no problem, you can ask him to go hang out. If, however, the relationship takes on a romantic twist, you cannot pursue him.
He must pursue you, especially the alpha male.
Please note. I am NOT saying women shouldn’t be able to do any of these things. I’m really not. Women can sleep with whomever they want, but they can’t expect all of a sudden that men will change how they’ve been conditioned over time to biologically respond. Equality in pay? Yes. Equality in everything else? Hell YES, but a man is not going to change his biologically driven responses to sex and relationships just because society tells him too.
Chivalry is hanging on by a thread…
Somewhere along the way, it was considered sexist to open a woman’s door or pay for dinner. WTF? What the hell is wrong with a man who is a gentleman and who demonstrates kindness for a woman? Of course, I can open my own damn door! That’s not the point. I can also get myself off thank you, but it’s a whole lot more fun when my guy does it!
Ladies, you are seriously missing out if you don’t let a man demonstrate chivalry for you.
Wait for him to open your car door. Wait for him to open the door to the restaurant. Wait for him to pick up the tab.
If he insists on picking up the tab, then he’s probably feeling it, or he is just a true gentlemen. Great on both counts! If he’s okay with splitting the tab, then you can keep him on your roster, but he’s not your #1, unless he proves otherwise.
I used to be a pretty hard-core feminist and I had a very bad perception of men. My college boyfriend nicknamed me “Fem Nazi.” Lovely, I know. You can imagine how that relationship ended.
Years later, and after more dating experiences and a divorce under my belt, I’ve discovered something. I found that the men who are opening your door for you, and paying for dinner are gentlemen who most likely are NOT making sexually explicit remarks behind your back. (Some still do of course)
I’m not saying they’re angels okay, I’m just saying they’re men. Do you want to be with a man? There are kind and strong men out there who are evolved and understand the importance of sharing in the responsibilities. There are men out there who respect and appreciate femininity. In fact, there are men who are desperate for it. They’re struggling to find women who are still feminine. They’re struggling to find women who don’t have such a tough exterior shell.
Men who are a gentlemen and demonstrate chivalry are more likely to be the men who also think that we deserve to be treated equally. They don’t think we are the same, however.
Again, we should be treated as equals, but we are NOT the same. Women and men are totally different and they should act like it!
Men and women both have strengths and both have weaknesses. We’re not the same. It’s okay and smart to recognize these weaknesses for what they are. It’s stupid to ignore them and say we’re the same. We’re not the same. We complement each other and we need each other to survive.
Mating Strategies of Men and Women
I was reading a book by David M. Buss called “The Evolution of Desire.” It’s all about the strategies of human mating and how that ties to evolutionary psychology.
The premise is that we behave a certain way based on the reproductive needs of our ancestors.
While I studied this in college, this book does a great job of explaining it in segments that are easily digestible.
I love evolutionary psychology.
It’s pretty straightforward…
Men want sex and women want commitment. Okay, I realize it’s not that straightforward, but it’s the basic premise of our reproductive needs.
Both men and women ultimately have the same goal, however, and that is reproductive success. After that… it gets a little tricky.
Men’s natural inclination is to have sex with very little investment. This enables them to spread their seed as much as possible while simultaneously guarding their resources. The idea is to preserve these resources for a long-term mate. Women, on the other hand, are seeking investment on behalf of the man before they provide sexual access. That is how women ensure the survival of their offspring.
Women risk being abandoned and left with little to no resources if they have sex too soon and without requiring investment from the man. Women need to acquire resources from the man in order to raise healthy offspring.
This is why most women are attracted to the alpha male or a man that they perceive as having alpha type qualities. That’s just the way it is. That’s the way our brains work.
Is it wrong?
I don’t know and I don’t really care. I choose to take that information and use it to my advantage.
This is also why we say to women to make him wait for sex! I don’t care what movie you watched that said it was okay to have sex with the man on the first date. I don’t care what posh new magazine said it was okay to be a promiscuous woman. Don’t do it! I’ve said it before and I will say it again. If you want to have sex with no strings attached as a woman, then go for it…
Just don’t expect a man to all of a sudden go against his biologically driven responses!
Men are not biologically driven by what society deems acceptable. Men are driven by their biological need to reproduce and spread their seed.
This is especially true for the alpha male.
Of course we’re influenced by society, but again, we’re not biologically driven by what society tells us is now acceptable. When a woman withholds sex from a man it increases her value. The reason it increases her value is because “sex” with her is seen as scarce. As you know, scarcity in resources equates to value! I guess that’s why “diamonds are a girl’s best friend,” as they say…
Men have been conditioned to be very selective not with who they have sex with, but with who they will provide their resources to. Back in the days of tribal living they reserved their resources for the woman who was deemed with the highest value. This was more likely to guarantee survival not only of their offspring, but of the offspring with the highest potential to survive. Again, spreading their seed!
This strategy was two-fold. First, multiple sexual partners gave greater chances of reproductive success. Second, providing resources to the most valuable woman in the tribe also increased the chances of their offspring’s survival. They went at it a couple of ways. I suppose you could say one was quantity vs. quality. Quality enhances survival, according to survival of the fittest and the like, however, quantity in offspring enhances ancestral survival due to sheer volume in numbers.
Yes, I realize I’m getting prehistoric and very extreme here, but it provides insight into our current dating strategies and the ways both men and women approach sex.
The theory behind evolutionary psychology is that our brains are only developed enough to solve the problems our ancestors faced and not of our current world.
Basically, just keep this stuff in mind when you’re deciding whether or not to have sex with the guy you’re seeing.
Women who had sex too soon risked being abandoned and left alone without the resources required for their offspring to survive. Obviously, women are more resourceful now than they were back in those days. Thank God! This has now blurred the lines a bit, however, as it relates to sex and dating.
In college, I took a class and we looked at functional MRIs of the human brain in men and women. It was fascinating. When men and women are asked the same question, or given the same task, their brains lit up differently on the MRI.
That means that women and men literally use their brains differently to answer the same exact question. Men use an area on the left side of the brain and women use this area in addition to the area on the right side of the brain.
There are more brain studies on women versus men, but bottom line, is that our brains function differently. I bring this up because it just shows that men and women think differently and as a result, they act differently. We are not the same.
That doesn’t make either of us right!
It just brings a different perspective that we owe to each other to explore. The people who are open minded enough to explore it, rather than exploit it or fight it, will end up surviving. Your ancestors will thank you.
That being said…ladies, let him pay for dinner. You’re worth it.
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